Monday, 7 March 2011

If you go down in the woods today

I’ve been stitched up by the so-called coalition government. A while ago me and a few of the Alderley boys – and some lads from the Ribble Valley we go shooting with - hatched a cunning plan that could have accelerated the government’s deficit reduction scheme. It would have been a job-creating enterprise and made better use of the land resource of this green and pleasant land. It would even have contributed to the tax take, because we were even going to register it here, and not in the Isle of Man (just this once).

One of the lads had a word with our MP, George Osborne. The plan, as you’d have guessed, was to let us run the forests. Great idea, we were told. Keep quiet, we’ll rush it through as a “consultation” and everything should have the green light in no time.

We were going to start with Grizedale Forest as a unique leisure destination, the first of its kind, and then a national roll out. Think Center Parcs for stag do’s: a casino, quad bikes, shooting, football, paintball, dirt bikes and hot tubs. Import a few rare species for specialist hunting, maybe even a few lions and elephants. And to crown it all, lap dancers around the camp fire – who could beat that?

We also wanted to set up a supply chain for a new network of wood burning power stations – you know the Chinese are doing that, don’t you? – and there will have been loads of grants for this sort of green stuff. We, George and the good old taxpayer would have been quids in.

But just because of a few tree huggers, and the usual lefty types who think the state has to run everything, all our investment and business planning is up in smoke, if you get my meaning.

To be honest with you, I think this lot are losing the plot. I still can’t get my head around this big society lark – giving money to charity? No problem. We all do that, and you don’t see a bigger supporter of sick kiddies than me. But apparently they want me to let our staff out early to do a bit of volunteering. Are you having a giraffe?

I don’t think they have any idea how hard it is to motivate a workforce like ours. Give them a bit slack, even for just a minute and they’ll be leaving on time every day. I didn’t build this business by helping old dears cross the road and running youth clubs – isn’t that what social workers do?

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