Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Things can only get bigger

After the brutal downsizing of the past couple of years, the Cashman project is looking to expand again. As I might have explained, we sold the gaff in Majorca and a couple of city centre apartments, which means we’re down to just the house in Abersoch and our drum in Alderley Edge. Life has been tough, of that there is no doubt.

So now things are picking up again, I’ve decided we need a bit of an upgrade to reflect my profile and lifestyle opportunities. Mrs C agrees, obviously.

I’ve found this house that will do just fine. And it’s off-market so you can’t look it up, by the way. According to the details, it was built about 100 years ago in the style of the Arts and Crafts Movement – it has these turrets, pointy bits on the top and that black and white pattern – just like the very first starter home I bought in 1990 – a mock Tudor mansion in Bramhall.

Sounds good? Yes, well I levelled it. The bulldozers have been in and now we’ve got these diggers and excavators drilling down. The problem is, you have all the local muppets saying you can’t build high around here, so I’m going low instead, which has never been a problem for me.

The non-negotiable essentials include a bowling alley, wine cellar, cinema, ensuites, a gym, the hot tub, dining area, a wet room and a pool, obviously. I’ll need a garage for the Hummer, the Ferrari and the Porsche Cayenne. And her indoors wants an Orangery. To get all this in the lads on site are digging so deep we half expect to find a couple of Chilean miners, but needs must.

Some old geezer sniffed around, who reckoned the digging would cause the Edge to collapse. Well, if it does, then it might make a nice cave in the future, and it has a better ring to it in my opinion.

Obviously I’m up for a scrap with these local do-gooders. Their blood’s up at the moment – one of the lads is being forced to rip up his tennis court because it obscures the view from the Edge. If it was me, I’d paint a cock and balls on it just to show them.

We’re going to rent out the old gaff too, it’s part of the investment strategy. So if you know any Johnny Foreigner footballers who fancy living in style while they’re taking the piss out of Man City for a couple of years, then the going rate is £10,000 a month. You know where to find me.

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