We have no choice but to call it a day with our so-called turnaround fund, Uranus Capital.
Long story short, we haven’t been able to give the money away. Yet I’m still convinced the recession and the coming “double dip” will be the biggest opportunity in my adult lifetime to make money.
My reckoning when I started Uranus was that we were going to clean up. Credit crunch, banks being tough, recession. I mean how hard could it be? We’d find a few of the lads who’d had a tough time off the banks, stick a few dodgy parts of the business into admin – pay off the debt, or convert it into our debt, take a fee and a slice of the action, sit back and wait for things to get back to normal. Happy days.
In 2009 everyone was piling in. You couldn’t finish a round of golf at Mere without lads coming up and saying they were good for a cheeky half mill. First problem was the banks haven’t been as bad as we hoped. In the normal course of events they’d pile in with axes and chainsaws and get Begbies Traynor to mop up as best they could. This time they’ve got all these pointy heads from London doing Special Situations and all that nonsense. If you ask me, it’s just putting off the inevitable.
To be fair, we did get a couple of deals away, and a 2 per cent annual management fee still keeps the wolf from the door. We helped one of the lads we go shooting with, so he can still come shooting, but the poor lad's down to his last Range Rover. And we’ve got a stake in a coffee plantation in Costa Rica, which looks like a winner.
But the point of these funds is that we make the decisions, the investors sit back and thank us for the effort when the cheques roll in. Try telling that to this mob from Jersey who jumped in at the last minute. Maybe there’s something they put in the milk over there, but I’ve never come across mitherers like it. The annual report came back with red pen all over it, especially on the bit about our “management fee”. I mean, it’s not a charity you know, we don’t come cheap. They even called an EGM. The cheek of it.
In the end we decided to sack it off. It’s called “returning cash to shareholders”. I just don’t need grief like that – I get enough of it at home. So, while Uranus is now going to look at “opportunities on a deal-by-deal basis,” I’m thinking of a new fund to take advantage of the investments arising from the “double dip” around the corner. DD Assets – fancy some? Offshore tax dodgers need not apply.