I don’t like losing. I was in the running to be the face of Finn Air, but lost out to that Imran Hakim. You know, the lad with the teddy bears and the scruffy shoes. I was told he has a softer and more positive image – which is why he now flies first class to Shanghai for nothing and has his face on all the billboards and I don’t.
After a bit of research into my brand equity; which roughly translates as taking Lisa Morton to lunch, and asking her what everyone says about me, she bluntly told me I come across as sexist, arrogant and, frankly, “a selfish oaf”. It cut me to the quick did that, and if she wasn’t such a looker I’d have slapped her: just ask Andy Spinoza what happened when he told me what I didn’t want to hear. Alright, I take the sexist and arrogant on the chin, but I’m not selfish. I pay my tax. I cooperate with the investigators and do my bit for charity. Trouble is, I just don’t talk about it enough.
That’s why I decided to devote the last month to good causes.
I put a team in the Premiership Cook Off for the Five Stars Appeal – something to do with sick kids, always a winner with me. It was also at my local, Panacea in Alderley Edge. What a great night.
All the footy boys were there: Wayne Bridge, Shaun Wright-Philips, Robbie “Sav” Savage, some Africans from Stoke and a load of foreign lads from City who’ve been practising like mad as they don’t get to play much since the Ab Dabs started buying players like kids buy Panini stickers.
The only problem with having footballers at events is the auction. Usually the winner is me, winding up the lawyers and bankers by upping the bidding on all these prizes that “money can’t buy”. Not this time, the football lads are rabidly competitive, and they can afford it. Ickle Shaun coughed up £4K to be bullied by Ricky Hatton for the day.
Speaking of competition, once I heard that Rob “John Terry” Cotton was doing his 10k runs in ten countries I had to have a piece of that action. I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t hard work, but I did my bit. And just to show I wasn’t going to be outdone by Imran Hakim, Tony “Mach” Machin, Mike Perls or any of the rest of them I knocked off an extra one in Abersoch when we got back. All the way round, as my joints ached and my heart pounded, I was told to focus on the kids and what it means to them. I couldn’t bring myself to do that, but when I’m the poster boy for a major European airline, then all the pain will have been worth it.
You can still donate here.