Sunday, 7 February 2010

Justice for Vance Miller

My trust in good old British justice has been restored. Just when I thought that the socialists were running rampant and squeezing the last drop of entrepreneurial spirit out of this once proud nation, good sense has prevailed.

I refer of course to the plight of Vance Miller – the King of Kitchens, and a top bloke. The Trading Standards mob have hounded the poor lad. Now, he’s free to pursue his business after the Judge threw the case out. Sounds like one of the Trading Standards blokes got a bit obsessed. They do, you know. I had this VAT investigator after me once who even started dressing like me and eating in San Carlo every Friday. I knew he’d lost the plot when I spotted him in Long Legs under assault from some scrubber from Oldham with, to be fair, magnificent charlies.

But enough of that. The New Year has brought its usual bag of surprises. Our finance director resigned, thinking he can go on to bigger and better things. Now, you know these Coronation Street so-called “stars” who do two years at it, get in the papers, get a new agent, go on Big Brother, or the Jungle, or something and think they can take Hollywood by storm? Well, that’s what this bloke is like. He’d be better off reflecting that the smartest one on Corrie Street is Ken Barlow – been at it 50 years, lives in a big house in Wilmslow. The turncoat will be back when he realises he’s only got where he is because I let him.

Once they come back after Christmas all these muppets here need reminding of what they’re here to do. So I get them in a room and give them a proper facts of life lecture. I’ve had these big posters done up for the sales floor – big pictures of me bearing down on them – “Bring me solutions, not problems!”, “Just Sort It!”, “You’re the cream? Well I’d hate to taste the milk!”.

I give them the usual hairdryer treatment; you know how that works; knock ‘em down to pick them up.

Some of the lads from Alderley went to some business do last month called RAW. I was asked to get involved, but it didn’t look like my cup of tea. For a start, they should have called it WAR – because that’s what REAL business is like.

All my worst suspicions were confirmed when I heard the car park was full of Porsche Boxsters and Audis R8s. Hardly my class of motor, are they? And who in Salford Quays could you trust to valet park a Hummer?

2 comments:

オテモヤン said...

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maniac lemper said...

Vance Miller Kitchens are far better than B and Q kitchens or any of the big stores. All the people on the net that slag his kitchens off have either never bought one or are just competitors who cannot compete.