There’s been a lot of tosh talked about MPs filling their boots on expenses and frankly it’s gone too far. Joe Public’s had enough of public servants sticking their snouts in the trough and filling their flats with John Lewis sofas paid for by you and me – the humble taxpayer.
But as my old man Don “the Don” Cashman always told me, somebody ballsing up means there’s an opportunity for somebody else. In short – it’s time for guys like yours truly to get involved. Integrity, charisma and the ability to get things done – I don’t think I’m overstating my credentials here. And with Alan Sugar (unlike his muppet contestants and that Doris from Birmingham City I’m an old pal and don’t have to call him Sir) now installed as the business tsar the wealth creators of this country might finally start getting the recognition we deserve – and about time.
But you only get one shot at this sort of thing so it’s crucial you get it right. The first question is, where do you stand? Obviously Tatton would be handy, but although I could count on the votes of the boys at Mere Golf Club and all the Alderley lot, but they've actually taken to George Osborne to be fair. People like the toffs when they're a bit thick, it's the funny ones that rub you up the wrong way.
I did quite fancy having a tilt at that Ruth Kelly bird, the religious one who whips herself, she knocked back Steve “Stevo” Parry’s plans to flatten New Brighton and replace it with something decent, whcih was bang out of order. But she’s standing down now anyway and I don’t fancy going up against Susan Williams, a woman who has something of the mighty Maggie about her (get well soon by the way Mrs T). Plus, Bolton? Come on!
You’ve got to target the ones that have really pissed the voters off. I can exclusively reveal here that I’ll be mounting a challenge against Hazel Blears, that little one who looks a bit like Gordon Strachan. I will crush her like a bug. She is toast. Cashman is coming. I have my own place in Salford - the top floor suite at the Lowry is virtually a main residence - but I won't be claiming for it - and we will run the whole thing from the corner booth at San Carlo should I ever need to actually stay there during the day. Frankly, I can only see one winner, but as this is a democracy, here’s what can I promise the people of Salford.
Compassion – I’ve raised literally hundreds of pounds for sick kids down the years, I almost had my own parking spot at Francis House at one point. It’s not something I play on though.
Vision – Under my leadership, Salford would win unprecedented global exposure through twinning arrangements. I’ve already made headway with partners in Douglas, Lagos and one of the Chinese places the Scousers haven’t worked out how to get to.
Integrity – they can try as much as they want to dig dirt, but I’ve never yet had a complaint upheld against me by the Insolvency Service, HM Revenue & Customs, the Race Relations Board or even the European Court of Human Rights. How many people can say that?
I will win here. Like I did when I beat all these lot. I'm a fighter, not a quitter.