Tuesday, 13 January 2009

On the straight and narrow

Right, time to put the record straight. These rumours have started getting back to me and I need to be clear. I did not have a scrap with the doorman from Ithaca. And I did not get so drunk I forgot where I live and had to spend the night in a police station after a taxi driver dropped me off in Denton. None of that happened.
I am not being investigated by the Horse Racing Board for betting against the glue pot on four legs I happen to own. I have backed it to lose on Betfair, but that’s hardly inside information is it? It couldn’t win the donkey derby on Blackpool beach.
Back to work, we’ve started the new year on a bit of a high. On the QT, last year we started doing some systems solution work for some government department or other – I’m boring myself, so I’ll spare you the details. Now the government has cut payment terms to a week, we have been able to hang on to more of our cash and extend our own terms to suppliers for six months.
They’re so desperate they don’t even complain! Brilliant. Only problem is we haven’t found a decent deposit rate since the Russian mafia pulled the plug on that nice little laundrette they were running out of Iceland.
It’s absolutely disgraceful that the government won’t guarantee all deposit rates at the same rate we used to enjoy and guarantee 10 per cent rates in the Isle of Man as well. I worked hard for that money and deserve to see it grow. Do you think I actually like going to the Isle of Man to see my fund manager? Did you know they smother their chips with cheese? My part of the solutions industry is also facing unfair competition from China and the French and we need a ban on foreign imports. Today. I’ve risked everything on my schemes to export our gear to Burma and Laos, but the level of export credits we get is miserable. We need more. It’s also essential that they completely abolish tax rates for entrepreneurs. Don’t they understand how tough it is out there?
I told all this to that bloke John Young from the Bank of England who came to see me the other day. He uses what I say to tell Gordon Brown what to do with the economy. It got a bit technical so I had to get my FD in when he asked me if I thought the PBR would affect the LIBOR and the FTSE, or something. Sorry mate, I said, ask me one on sport.
Poor bloke, I let him have it with both barrels. I don’t think he knew what hit him. The long and short of it: the biggest problem with this country is scroungers always looking for handouts.

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