Friday, 1 August 2008

I’ve had a death threat

It’s all kicked off on the Edge. And it’s my duty to put the record straight. I don’t officially live in Alderley Edge myself (it’s complicated), but obviously I have a few interests. The RC Resi Devs PLC flag is currently flying proudly over a nice little scheme overlooking the cricket club – provisionally named Cashman Towers – think a turreted cowboy ranch with a neo-Georgian twist. Or so I thought.
Standing between me and progress is a gang of geriatric bleeding hearts having a mega whinge about the improvements we’re making to THEIR village. This lynch mob gathered with their pitch forks at the Girl’s School of all places to demand my head on a plate. All because they reckon the houses being built by the new breed of Cheshire entrepreneurs, the footballers and their WAGs are too flash. Which is rubbish. Money talks and Alderley walks, and rightly so. These houses are better than the dreary dross they’re replacing. Progress, see.
Some of these designer birds responsible have got cracking taste – take that Dawn Ward (I would – fnarr), her fellah only ever played for muppet clubs like Blackburn and Bradford but it was enough to get a stiletto in the solid oak door and there’s no stopping her now. You should hear Dawn and Mrs C when they compare notes on wet-rooms, hot tubs, home cinemas and the rest. Point them at the jumps and they’re off.
But once again we see the British disease of knocking the successful, trying to tangle us up in so much red tape, intimidation and malicious envy that we lose heart. Only this time there’s been a much more sinister twist. I can’t prove it, but it’s no coincidence that I’ve had silent phone calls, potatoes shoved in the tailpipe of the Bentley and a blatant death threat.
The angry brigade blabbed to the papers that “developers had declined to take part in the debate” – and reckoned “a handful were spotted sitting quietly at the back of the hall”. But if the lunatics have taken over the asylum why put yourself in the firing line? I’ve had to get extra security on the house, you know.
The Jones boys have copped for some mither as well, but then they do pretty much own everything with a chimney round there.
But you just know that the moaners will soon have something else to grumble about. While most people are pleased that the Alderley by-pass is going ahead these Swampy types will be campaigning against it. But if you ask me, this rare display of common sense doesn’t go far enough. What about a congestion charge for London Road? That way we put the charity shops out of business, shift them all to Knutsford, and we can get on with expansion plans for more champagne bars and more nice houses. It’s time to make a stand for the real cultural values that have made Cheshire great.

I'm off to Mallorca tonight as a guest of El Plumbero - the new owner of Real Mallorca. I don't know how he does it, but he's going to be on the pitch before the friendly against West Brom.