Friday, 16 February 2007

Marketing genius

Mad busy at the moment. This business is going like a train. We needed to
bolt a few bits on to get the cash flow going. And word has got out.
Let me tell you about this one business that was on the block. No one wanted it – I mean no one would touch it with a bargepole. The building they were in was an absolute toilet and they were making no money at all.
We bought it, and between you and me, we absolutely stole it. The bloke we bought it off, I asked him if there were anything he hadn’t told me about. Was there something that would make me very angry if I found out about it later?
He went white, said he needed to walk around the car park for an hour. When he came back he said he needed to tell
me something. He puts his wife’s mobile phone through the business. Tut Tut.
We stuck a salesman in there who used to be one of the top guys at The Accident Group and wallop! Fantastic performance.
But you know how the boys like to gossip, word has got out. I would like to refute absolutely the rumour that I am going to make six big ones from this company. That is totally incorrect. More like £8m. Sterling.
These scribblers in the city who earn so-called “big bonuses” make me laugh. They should see my dividend cheque. That’s real success.
Since I’ve started this column all the VCs have been on my case and they all want a slice of my action. Who can blame them? We’re creaming it. But I need some cash to release to do this resi scheme in Altrincham and to buy me and the missus a drum in Majorca. All the Alderley boys have got one – a mate of mine’s setting up a radio station there as well. Worth a punt, eh?
Much more fun has been the attention I’ve had from every
PR company in town. They’re all the same. In comes the boss, good patter, one of the lads; invites me to Old Trafford or the rugby. Then he sends some youngster over in a tight top, fluttering her eyelashes and dropping pencils. What’s that all about? I learned all I need to know about marketing from Chris “Nibbo” Nisbet. A great lad, for a Scouser! He was telling me the tale of how he flogged a flat to Sophie Anderton, that model who got a bit fond of the white stuff, who was on Celebrity Love Island. He did all these posters and had her lined up to be the face of his scheme. When the whole TV programme thing went Pete Tong, he ditched it and knocked up these new ones from an old photo shoot he’d done with some wannabee model he met in Mosquito. Only turned out to be Peter Crouch’s bird, queen of the Wags. Class.

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